Today
The Daily Dozen
Friday, November 6. The 12 best stories of the day, so you can stop scrolling.
The Onion is sponsoring a college bowl game to sell print newspapers
America's Finest News Source doing guerrilla marketing for paper, the least-viral format on Earth, via the most sponsor-drunk corner of sports. It's either a bit or a business plan, and with The Onion those are the same thing. We demand a halftime show of men yelling headlines.
Man arrested near White House for pointing a finger gun at the National Guard
Somewhere a playground monitor from 1997 is nodding approvingly. The finger gun has gone from recess crime to federal matter, which feels like a lot of escalation for a hand shape. Maybe just wave next time.
An underwater volcano off the US coast is now making spare electricity
Humanity looked at a submarine volcano and thought: outlet. Honestly, fair enough. Somewhere a supervillain is furious someone used the lair for clean energy.
Iowa Democrat drops out of race, wins anyway
The dream: quit, go home, get the job anyway. Voters apparently looked at the ballot and decided commitment issues were not a dealbreaker. Somebody is about to have a very awkward first day.
The New York Times wants to buy Letterboxd for $330 million
The Times already owns your morning Wordle streak; now it wants your four-star review of Paddington 2. A newspaper buying the place where film bros write 'this movie is a hug' is peak 2020s media strategy. Brace for Letterboxd Connections.
2,800-year-old Siberian burial mound turns out to be extremely 420-friendly
Ancient nomads went to the afterlife with braids and a stash, which is frankly a vibe. Proof that some traditions really are timeless.
Chad Wild Clay's shocked face at 'more like a quesadilla' is TikTok's new obsession
A grown man reacting to a quesadilla diss track with genuine horror is the purest content possible. The internet will always reward commitment to the bit.
The FAA promises to stop running air traffic control on floppy disks by 2028
Somewhere a 1994 Gateway PC is sweating. The comforting news is that planes have been landing safely on 1.44MB of storage this whole time; the less comforting news is the 'by 2028' part.
A YouTuber can find where you are just from the planes flying overhead
You can blur your windows and scrub your metadata, but apparently a Boeing 737 will snitch on you. Privacy now requires soundproofing the sky.
Italian chef fired for refusing pineapple pizza loses bid to get his job back
He was a martyr for the cause, and the tribunal shrugged. The pineapple wars now have legal precedent, and the fruit is winning.
New Zealand's election is already won by a guy named Chris
Democracy is about choice, and New Zealand's choice is Chris or Chris. Honestly the most stable succession plan in the Western world.
Nova Scotia is home to the grave of the tallest non-pathological giant ever
"Non-pathological giant" is an incredible category to hold a world record in: no medical explanation, just a guy who kept going. Cape Breton quietly hosting a 19th-century celebrity giant is peak roadside-stop energy.